Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
