Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
