im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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