he thought i was a dude.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
