Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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