I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
