my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
