My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
