someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
