i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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