I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
