filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
