Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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