I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
