wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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