Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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