Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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