And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
