Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
