I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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