WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
