My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
