dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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