That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
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