I didn't shave. On purpose
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
