Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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