dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
