Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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