how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
