I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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