does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
