Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
