Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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