That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
