seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
