Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
