his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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