you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
