he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
nutella sex= disaster
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
