i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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