the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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