I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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