i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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