on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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