god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
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