When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
