when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
