The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
