I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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