my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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